I know I'm not the only one when I say for years I had a HUGE people pleasing problem. I cared so much what other people thought of me that I was willing to put my own wants and needs aside just to help someone achieve their own goals. This can look like anything from not speaking up when I wanted or needed something to offering to completely rearrange my schedule and drop things that were important to me just to lend a helping hand to someone who, let's be honest, wouldn't even consider doing the same thing for me. It's exhausting and frustrating feeling like I had no time for myself because I spent the day prioritizing someone else.
If this sounds at all like you or your life keep reading because 2025 is the year you start living for you. The need to people please can be rooted in anything. For many of us, it probably started when we were children. Whether you were made to feel responsible for emotionally regulating a parent, taught to think of others before yourself, or only received positive attention or feedback when you did something good, you came away from it believing that you existed to please those around you. In some cases this belief may have been a survival instinct. Taking a minute to investigate and understand where this people pleasing habit came from is very helpful in navigating your way out of it.
Personally, my ever present need to please people came from a parent not being able to emotionally regulate themselves and therefore bestowing that great responsibility to me, the eldest daughter. Keeping this parent happy (or at least not totally miserable) involved quieting my needs and wants so that I could try to better predict what theirs would be. This also included me feeling responsible for everyone around us and making sure they acted in a way that wouldn't cause any negative emotional reaction from this parent. This manifested itself in me as needing to put myself aside in order to survive. Which worked for me when I was twelve. But later on, the overwhelming sense to please was suffocating to my adult self.
Maybe some of you can relate to my story or maybe you have a completely different people pleasing origin. Either way, getting clear on why you have these tendencies is a necessary first step in debunking your people pleasing ways. Here are the steps I recommend taking in order to stop living for others and taking your life back.
Step 1: Figure out where and why this habit of pleasing came about.
Step 2: Thank yourself for all the efforts that have been made to try and keep you safe (that's all these people pleasing habits are trying to do).
Step 3: Let it go. Understand that while these habits kept you safe as a child, they are only hindering your growth as an adult.
Step 4: Acquaint yourself with thoughts about what you need. What would make you happy and most at peace? Sit with the feeling of focusing on yourself and your needs in the present moment.
Step 5: Start applying it to your life. Challenge yourself to focus on how you're feeling throughout the day. When someone asks something of you, take a second to pause and consider yourself in your answer, not just the other person and what would make them happy. Becoming comfortable with this process will take time so be patient with yourself.
Yes, it is true, life is full of things we don't want to do or that don't necessarily make us feel great. There are work obligations, going to the gym, having to travel for work instead of enjoying the weekend at home. I'm in no way saying to ignore obvious responsibilities with the excuse of needing to prioritize yourself. Being jobless and unreliable are not qualities of your best self. Be able to discern when saying yes is necessary and when it's coming from a place of trying to please everyone else. It will feel uncomfortable, maybe even selfish but trust yourself, and learn to care enough about what's best for you in order to stop living for everyone else at the expense of yourself.
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